Saturday, December 31, 2016

I hate shrooms and LSD and that is why I take it

I force myself to do all the activities of a normal day, the gym, my business, mundane activities, going and seeing my friends (who don't even know i am or was on it). And the whole time I'm thinking to myself, this would be so much easier if I was sober, shit sober with caffeine... It wouldn't. Its just a lie we tell ourselves. First our excuse is that we are high and cant do these things. Then our excuse becomes its 5am or we woke up at 5am and we are tired or not mentally there.. Then we become sick, then its just an ordinary day but we just don't feel like doing it. We have to constantly grab ourselves deep and force ourselves to do things we don't want to do. Tripping is taking a spiritual drug that shuts down our ego, suspends it for periods of time whether it be 2 hours or 12 but requires extreme mental discipline and fortitude to completely control. The war for mental control really is in the mind - all pain and suffering is really in the mind.  Taking psychedelics as a cognitive enhancer isn't for the faint of heart, and I hate it every time I do it, but it brings extraordinary clarity, an unbelievable training in mental, emotional, and spiritual discipline. I am kinder and more compassionate and grateful for the good people I have in my life. And generally just kinder to strangers. I am also EXTREMELY strict with cutting people out of my life and generally throwing large groups of people into the "toxic people pile" which tends to baffle even some of my closest friends and relatives. They say to me, "you cant be that harsh, not everybody is like you..." And I am VERY strict on what I let into my life. My replies are typical, "you either have values or you don't, where is that line drawn? What do you stand for?" I summarize relationships in a nutshell:: You either add value to my life in which case I will add value to yours, or you are taking value because you are a leech and don't know how to bring value to those around you. Psychedelics bring an absolute clarity to our lives, and we can waste it at a rave or by looking at butterflies in the park or watching Netflix or we can go about our daily and social activities like the gym, and all that work you've been putting off.  

Granted you have to know your body - there is a come up phase which under no circumstances should a beginner be driving, but once you've mastered accomplished emotional and spiritual discipline you aren't limited by fears that hold people like back like social interactions and you basically become immune to bad trips. I get them and shut them down instantly; I AM in full control. It wasn't always this way, Ive been through Hell and back at least 5 times and still start to get teary eyed just thinking about some of those bad trips. Obviously i am not superhuman, i feel pain but i feel a lot less fear, the small things definitely go away. We go through most of life just sweating the small stuff- bills, being late for work, making a mess in the kitchen, car repairs, being broke, fear and anxiety... In a drug fueled haze the small stuff will break you mentally, you have to overcome these HUGE mental obstacles and when you've learned to let that go, 99% of life just becomes easy.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

The Bad Trip

In hindsight I am on the fence about whether or not that period of time where I used LSD recreationally was a good thing or a bad thing for me. My mind is set to where I inevitably would have come back to whats important - I am too driven and motivated to get caught up in some sort of addiction cycle. I could only abuse it for so long before I would eventually say, "hey you know what this isn't working I need to be serious, I need to use this with a purpose. You have set, setting, mindset and then you have a one purpose. What am I going get out of this trip? " Sometimes Psychedelics take to to places you don't want to go. The next phase for me was dealing with bad trips. and that's no walk in the park. You can imagine a living nightmare no longer subject to just the physical limits of the world, you've just made a 12 hour commitment to Hell. And you've got to go through hell just to get out of it. There is no backing up and saying "I'm just gonna go out the way I came in, you want to get out of Hell you've got to go all the way down into the belly of the beast because that's the only way out. The horror movie "As Above, So Below" is probably the best analogy of the anatomy of a bad trip that I have seen. There is no way out of it except to go all the way into the belly of Hell and somehow it becomes some opposite paradigm where it becomes easier the more you face it and the further out you come. It was scary and I didn't want a part of it, the very idea of a bad trip kept me away from psychedelics for a while but I had this nagging feeling in the back of my head; everything I read about bad trips told me "its all mental, this is all in your head" and of course I have had some friends that have NEVER had a bad trip.

"it's your mindset, it's all in your head"

This nagging feeling just ate away at me, like i had failed myself, i let it beat me, I wasn't in control. It ate away at me for months. This ordeal was a reflection of my life, how I approached the world. A reflection of who I was at my very core. When things got tough I quit... That was the person I had become. And I knew I was so much more than that. And so i decided i would do it again but I was still scared, this time I would do it with a sitter. I planned out my trip entirely, I did it with another friend, lets call him R. R had done LSD many times and never had a bad trip. In fact, R couldn't even conceive how someone could have a bad trip. and it got me over the anticipation of taking another trip. At one point I started going down a bad trip and R kind of got me out of it, but it wasn't defeating the bad trip it was distracting myself - this is a lot of times what recreational drug users do when they start going down a bad trip or experiencing paranoia, they have to distract themselves because the more you think about the idea of a bad trip, the more it amplifies. What most people do to offset this is they distract themselves, they'll start watching NETFLIX or a movie or listen to music or a friend will just keep talking to them to make them forget any negativity around them and it works. But if you focus on the negative it just amplifies and amplifies and amplifies like quicksand, the more you fight it the faster you sink. This is all happening very fast and before you know it, in the blink of an eye you're full blown paralyzed - cowering in terror in the corner of the room because you're seeing haunted faces in the walls and everything is just collapsing around you, and you're absolutely positive you are going to die but you're about to experience a fate worse than death. 

Unmitigated Terror. 

Going down a bad trip is a very scary thing its something that you typically would want to avoid, I don't blame anyone for distracting themselves out of a bad trip. But eventually I had a bad trip that I couldn't avoid. I was deep in it, and just on a personal level i knew that if i let this thing beat me, right here right now i was gonna carry it with me for the rest of my life. i would know on some secret level inside of me, that that was the person i was, that was the person i chose to be - someone who chose to accept defeat. someone who let the outside world dictate his circumstances. and in that one moment - the most terrifying experience of my life, i overcame it. i said, "im gonna beat this even if it kills me" and i meant it. In my mind it was very real, i was gonna die. but if i was gonna die i was gonna die on top, i was gonna die in complete control. Rather than running from this thing, i wasnt gonna run, i was gonna beat this thing and i did. And I've written about it, i will share it and continue to write about it. As scary and terrifying as that experience was, it was also the greatest experience of my life. because i had beaten myself, i had won against my limited mindset and i came out such a stronger person, a much stronger person. That victory has carried out into so many other areas of my life. its like a Keystone Habit you change one habit or behavior and it changes almost every other thing in your life. Facing and overcoming the fear and negativity and self doubt that I have in my own mind is probably the greatest epiphany i have ever had and i know i never could have had that experience sober... not unless i climbed Mount Everest... maybe then... but it was truly the most profound experience. Lao Tzu says, "Mastering others is strength; Mastering yourself is true power." There is no greater friend or enemy than what you choose to be for yourself.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Labyrinth insight into Human Nature - Mental Illness

Faced with obstacles, people retreat inwards as if perpetually stuck in their own bad trip. Director Jim Henson of Labyrinth has an unbelievable insight into human nature when confronted by our own inner demons. More astonishingly, director Henson's ability to translate that onto the big screen. The entire scene is a metaphor for how one approaches life and obstacles. People retreat inward, into our own little rooms or safe spaces; and in the short term it is comforting but eventually its not enough, it becomes claustrophobic, suffocating... And so these broken people become hoarders trying to bring the outside world into their little "rooms." Not quite grounded in reality and not quite able to bear the suffocation of their mental safe space - one foot in and one foot out. Watch the clip below to see this extraordinary insight into human nature. [2 minutes 46 seconds]

We are all aware of hoarders and homeless having mental illness but forgetting just how frighteningly close the average person gets to breaking point at various stages of hardship in life. There are also varying degrees of mental illness and all sorts of baggage (I say damage) outside of hoarding and living in isolation. We can hit a rough patch and never fully recover or life hands us a "bad trip" that we don't ever quite come down from... Maybe we are aware of our damage but feel hopeless to face it or maybe like a fish is unaware that it is in water - we are unaware of the the baggage we tug around on a daily basis or the possibility of a life free of such damage; the programming runs too deep. In this short clip from Labyrinth, Sara (the teenage girl) faced her Bad Trip, she wanted nothing more than to shut herself into her room and distract herself - to forget about the nightmare she was currently living in. And she could have so easily turned a blind eye to the fact that it wasn't real; that there was a bigger scarier world outside of that room, and there is no telling how long she could have remained in the comfort of that illusion. From the outside looking in, we see the bigger picture, the hoarders were the Sara's of the past whom the Goblin king had trapped in their own insecurities. That is why it is important to face our fears regularly, to overcome personal obstacles. On a scientific and self improvement level there is the importance of personal growth to avoid your personality being "set like plaster" [RECOMMENDED READ] where by 30 years old your personality "stabilizes... and will never soften again..." That's a fancy way of saying you stop learning and growing by the age of 30 due to not challenging and stretching your comfort zone as you get older. But overcoming personal obstacles goes beyond self improvement and personal growth, challenging our fears regularly is so much more important on a spiritual level... It gives us the ability, when faced with adversity or psychological harm, to come out unscathed, or at least with minimal damage. Go ahead and watch the clip again (you know you want to), I am still BLOWN AWAY at how much the director "gets it" but even more so at his artistic ability to translate such complex human emotion into a short 4 minute scene.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Psychedelics and Ego Death - PTSD Therapy

For simplicity purposes ill focus on LSD. Psychedelics are gaining awareness as treatment for PTSD. I am putting my work and journal notes out there to raise awareness of other practical uses for these wonder drugs. I don't recommend it for getting work done ie caffeine on steroids for a novice, it takes expert level focus and control. For the novice LSD is sensory overload as you're taking in and processing far too much information to hone in on just any one thing... REAL life ADHD not the crap they're prescribing little kids that don't like sitting in 1 spot for 8 hours... What makes psychedelic so magical is a little thing called ego death. Its when the body and mind are so overwhelmed by the 4+ hits of LSD or 5+ grams of shrooms that your ego is completely suspended. And a suspension of your ego for 4-12 hours is something magical. Our ego holds us back in ways we can't even imagine with ingrained beliefs from cognitive dissonance and societal programming. Anything that challenges a core belief is rejected by the ego and not even processed as information, all of this without even realizing it. Were walking around with baggage that we don't even know we have.... Ever see that alcoholic father who has alcoholic kids who have alcoholic kids? Nobody says "I want to grow up to be an alcoholic like my father." or even worse "I want my kids to grow up with my drinking problem." they simply aren't aware of how baggage can transfer between generations. Yet to the outsider this may be plain as day and even predictive... Or may be not as obvious until the kids get older which ones will take on more baggage. But it goes even deeper than that, all sorts of damage that you didn't even know you could pass down from generation to generation... Stubbornness, tempers, selfishness, abuse, neglect, laziness. See that fat parents with the obese kids? You think obesity is gonna skip a generation when the kids have kids?  I'm going on a tangent but I've illustrated the larger point. We've all got baggage were carrying around (I say damage) and a LOT of it you aren't even aware of because the programming runs deep. Does the Asshole know he's an Asshole? How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie makes the argument that almost everybody thinks they're a decent person, even criminals and thieves. To some people this is black and white, what about some grey areas? What about people in the self help industry or people that sell substandard products and services, trying to make a quick buck? Sometimes they're blatantly ripping people off, other times they're selling a crappy product and the customer could really do with a better product or service and the seller is well aware if this fact. These people ripping others off, preying on others, they don't believe they are bad people or deserve to go to jail despite the obvious harm they cause to others. Many of them have good and healthy relationships with family and friends and wouldn't be considered criminals by the general public. Just look at how Bernie Madeoff stunned The World... And there were dozens of people involved not just Bernie Madoff but we aren't in a hurry to start throwing the whole company into prison. The programming runs deep, your ego protects you from processing any information that goes against the belief of you being a good person. I mean, we are all Asshole some of the time...

Psychopaths make up approximately 2% of the population and most psychopaths aren't actually killers like the TV show Dexter would have you believe. Their lack of emotion makes them too smart for that and so most psychopaths just climb the ranks in corporate hierarchies due to their superior office politics. The rest of the 98% of the population would fit into some variation of sociopath tendency. Not "pure evil" (not that psychopaths are actually evil they're just hardwired differently and its very scary to think about), but different degrees of assholery. Sorry, another tangent.

So imagine what 12 hours of suspending your ego and with it, biases and programming can do for you? You maintain the same level of intelligence and information processing power in the trillions, but see information in an entirely new light... You see possibilities that weren't there before and experience life in the present moment. People with PTSD or those with high levels of anxiety, victims of trauma such as rape and other violence - can look at how feelings, emotions, anxiety affect them almost in 3rd person and analyze them in real time. A rape victim might look at themselves in real-time and say "I'm scared of black men but don't want it to get to me and make me racist so I overcompensate and am overly friendly to black people." Could you get there without drugs? I'm sure you could, but it could take years of therapy and you might never fully get to the root of the problem. In therapy you've got the psychiatrists' ego to deal with in addition to your own. Much like spirituality, I believe the personal discovery journey by is very much your own. It might help to have "guidance" but it also runs the risk of attaining other baggage without you realizing it. A Hindu Father might believe in traditionalism and that his children should find spirituality through the teachings of the Hindu Shruti or Vedas. And at the expense of a generalistic self discovery - excluding other lessons that could be gained from Christianity, Islam or Taoism religious texts. This might create a culture of ignorance and closed mindedness that transcends generations. Kids attaining baggage from their parents... The sins of the father passed onto the son. An atheist rejecting religion might educate himself in his spiritual journey and include all the major religious practices and doctrines and therefore attaining a much more efficient awareness of self and what it means to be "Christ like.".. Or the same person could reject any and all religious dogma and avoid any spiritual self discovery. What causes one and not the other? The ability to process raw unfiltered information, and your ego shuts down that ability more times than you would realize.

Sins of the father passed onto the son - everyday damage from childhood

We don't see our own damage from growing up. I don't clean, my mom doesn't clean. Truth is when I really think about it, my mom never cleaned - that's a habit you gain and cultivate from your parents. I don't clean, my mom didn't clean, her parents didn't clean.. And I have to be 29 years old before I realize I'm a freakin slob living in a filthy house. LSD made me aware - but now that I am aware I see it in every day life. My moms (and mine) idea of cleaning is anything visible and easy to get to. Mop the floor clean the counters wipe down the sink. Furniture never gets moved, carpets never get vacuumed. Windows, blinds and corners full of dust and cobwebs. The shower full of mold and rust. Filth around and behind the toilet. Without LSD I don't think I would've ever known I was a slob... I have had roommates before but always picked on one of them for being a neat freak, and he would pick on me, "the whole house is clean except Nathan's room." It seems common sense to clean ALL of the HOME and to have it clean AT ALL TIMES but it slips through the cracks...To quote the bible verse Exodus 20:5 “ ...the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me.” Or the more commonly heard paraphrasing, "...the sins of the father passed onto the son." Baggage transcending generations. I am not religious by any means and not trying to turn the topic into one of religious doctrine but what does sin really mean? Sin is an archery term meaning failure, being in error, or missing the mark, especially in spear throwing. We grow up living a certain way and don't even realize the damage we posses. It slips through the cracks because of all the other things life puts in our way like paying bills, work, hardships, or if you're lucky actually doing something fun like sports or hanging out with friends... I was looking for something that dropped and moved 2 cupboards in the kitchen this morning to take these pictures.


I remember my parents fighting when I was growing up. My dad would yell at my mom that the house was filthy. My dad didn't grow up in a filthy house and my mom never cleaned, and they would fight about that, money, anything really. My mom was a stay at home mom, and even in hindsight some odd 25 years later I'm still not so sure what my mom did all day... Growing up with my mom I got to hear all about how bad and mean and abusive my dad was... I was always with my mom, my dad was an absent father. Dad was too busy working, trying to get various businesses off the ground while we lived in poverty. And my mom hated him for it. I of course was too young to see the dynamics at play... Only 15 something odd years later can I piece together pieces of history. My mom grew up in poverty, she was first generation to go to college, she was determined to leave that behind and not live in poverty, neither she nor her kids would grow up the way she did. And my mom worked hard to give us more than she had growing up. I heard the stories, saw and helped remodel my moms childhood home. We definitely lived better than they did, but it wasn't enough. My mom COULD have been the primary breadwinner as a nurse, but she put her faith in my dad and supported his Vision. And every time we fell on more hardship my mom resented him even more. There were periods where I truly thought my dad was evil due to my moms brainwashing. My mom was angry and bitter and depressed and (I didn't know at the time) even on Prozac and other antidepressants for a very dark period of my childhood. At about 12 years old I was able to question it and encourage my 2 younger sisters to question it as well... But it didn't help that my dad has his own flaws... My dad was an absentee parent - almost never there, we rarely saw his good qualities or much of him at all. My dad was so determined to make it work for him, he came to America from one of the poorest countries in the world, Bangladesh with only $200 in his pocket. America the land of opportunity and he was the most capable of his 11 siblings, the first to make it over here. He became an Occupational Therapist and shortly after started working on various business ventures to take control of his life and financial situation.

Dad never said a bad word about my mom. He just put up with all my moms flaws and her badmouthing him. He held shit in and blew up occasionally - Sometimes frequently. Dad had a temper and rarely hit us but did nonetheless. Never beatings or a closed fist and rarely more than 1-3 hits or a hard shove, but he slapped or hit or pushed you like you would an adult... Fierce. And then my mom would speak about how evil he was and how you should never hit your kids... It was hypocritical bullshit but you aren't self aware until you hit your teens, even then you don't take a critical look at your history until much later, all you remember is the pain. But the real flaw, the root of it all - the source of strife in my mom and dad's relationship, our relationship with our father, the relationship between siblings, all of that was worsened by growing up in poverty. There is a lot of family brokenness that can be covered up with a better higher-quality standard of living... And my dad had no business sense. Business books weren't written back then and he didn't have any mentors. My dad invented all sorts of cool stuff in his little workshop. I even worked with him on some of them. A collapsible-portable baby table (which i would years later see in supermarkets), an underwater blinking fishing lure (now out there in 2015 thanks to kickstartr), a humane catch and release rat trap. My dad learned the hard way with his best inventions stolen and sitting on top of 1,000 product inventory which he sold at a loss. Inventions would be stolen by the same guys my dad went to to do business with (I remember as I went with him to many of these meetings). Today nobody signs an NDA (Non Disclosure Agreement) because of how easy it is to rush to market but back then you absolutely needed them! Patent lawyers charged $20,000+ back then so most people saved that step for last. People could see your stuff, patent it, then steal it right out from underneath you.

Only the internet has brought the costs of patent lawyers down and leveled the playing field for aspiring entrepreneurs... In 1994 who was there to teach a middle eastern guy how to do business? You know all those "Reflexology" and massage shops you see in malls all over the country? My dad was THE first one. Shit he probably could have even trademarked the term "Reflexology" and definitely could have built a franchise out of mall massage parlors. There were no modern business gurus like Tim ferris or MJ Demarco or Seth Godin to teach you about prototyping and rushing to market. There was no internet to tell you how to do things like boot strap or start a lean startup or fund raise or pitch an idea to angel investors or venture capitalist. No internet to tell you how to start a franchise from scratch or hire decent employees who aren't incompetent and don't steal from you or how to build SOP (standard operating procedures) to make them efficient employees or how to get rid of incompetent or thieving employees properly to not have to pay unemployment or be party to lawsuits. Nobody to tell you how to sell your big idea to corporations, get the deal signed and everything paid for then worry about finding a manufacturer after everything is signed on and "paid for." Nobody to advise you to move out of your little workshop and partner with an engineer who has access to tools and resources to help you go from idea to prototype much quicker. Of course I wouldn't have known all this either if not for the hundreds of books and thousands of articles I have read which didn't exist back then...

And then life gets even harder for my dad. For me it didn't rear its ugly head until after 9/11 but you have the ugly truth that people discriminated against middle eastern people in this country and possibly still do. My dad never spoke about it, possibly in his wisdom of not wanting his children to gain or accept a victim mentality but I was able to piece together all sorts of history. My dad was laid off or fired or something after 9/11 happened. He was forced to commute to another job in another city ever since.. With all his experience he couldn't get a job in ol' racist [insert metropolis name here]. It got bad for a period of time after 9/11, kids I had known for over 7 years were calling me a terrorist at school... And I look white! To this day It still eats me up inside (not punching those kids in the face) but just imagine how adults treated an Indian guy with an Indian name after the towers fell... Of course this is all plain to me in hindsight... My dad living out of his car and eating canned food to save money while his house sat empty in [anonymous metropolis name here], saving every penny he could living like he was practically homeless. Because he still hadn't given up, he wasn't working on businesses but he had dreams and aspirations like funding a family trip to Bangladesh or sending his kids to college. He still gave me $150 spending money every month even after I turned 18.

My parents with all their flaws didn't have access to the technology, internet, libraries, and higher standards of living that we have today. And even now, with an abundance of all the information in the world accessible from a mini computer in your front pocket, the bar is so low on "Adulting." We shun self improvement like its some scam industry, sure the self improvement industry has more crap books than any other area of the book store but few people read, even fewer self reflect. There is no guide or "how to" on raising children properly or getting rid of baggage you don't even realize you have... And if there was those books would be in the self improvement section. We leave it up to the public school sector to educate our children. Then after that its up to college, then figure it out on your own.  And then once you get a job you finish all the learning you're supposed to do.

My self awareness at 20 (pre-LSD) helped me to see that I didn't want the (obvious) baggage that my parents had, I would be better and I would overcome those negative character traits. I inherited my dads temper and I STILL hold shit in rather than vocalize my concerns or injustice as it happens.; its one of the reasons my dad and I had a falling out 8 years ago and we still don't speak (we both blew up at the same time). And it sucks because my dad is an amazing intelligent guy STILL full of potential but unwilling to let go of his baggage (hate and anger at the past) and repair his relationship with me. I no longer have a temper and have given up a lot of other bad traits that I learned growing up. But it would be a long time before I learned that I didn't know it all. I still possesses all sorts of damage and baggage that I wasn't aware of... And I have a more sympathetic view of my upbringing and the hardships my parents had to endure and the sacrifices they had to make. That is what LSD has done for me. Opened my eyes to take a good hard look at myself and how I live my life. What baggage have you gained from childhood? What details in your everyday life just slip through the cracks?

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

How I got into Psychedelics

When i was younger I had a friend (lets call him Bill), who used to smoke a lot of pot and always tried to get me to smoke with him. For years I rejected it, I think I first smoked marijuana at the age of 20; i still hadn't drunk at this time, and I didn't like marijuana because with the inebriation I felt like I didn't have full control of my body. I felt vulnerable, and when you feel vulnerable paranoia kicks in. Any negative thought takes you down the bad trip path rather than having a good trip. On top of that, when people buy marijuana off the street it is typically swag or an Indica based hybrid which makes you feel stoned and tired. For some people stoned is relaxing like tranquilizers or painkillers but I don't need painkillers, I just felt tired and demotivated, I wasn't full of energy, i hated the feeling. I was and still am a very physical, energetic person - constantly working out, constantly trying to improve myself. and so Bill would try to get me to smoke and I wouldn't be interested. But Bill was one of my best friends, a childhood friend and I would go with him as he tripped just to keep him company because he always wanted company. I would later find out as I get older that recreational drug users want people around to avoid bad trips because if you're alone by yourself with your thoughts, its much easier to get caught up and trapped into a bad trip than when your with someone who is happy and having fun and not having a bad trip. And in any drug or trip like situation, the best thing to do is have a sitter and many trip guides recommend this: having a sober sitter. So I didn't realize this at the time and I'm pretty sure that my friend didn't realize this either, that this was a key role to keeping him safe. But I guess Bill inadvertently through experience found out that he had much better trips with a friend and so I would accompany him while he would get stoned on pot or other drugs.

"Wanna try it?"

And somehow the discussion got into the topic of "the one drug I probably would be interested in..." because I was into spirituality and discovering myself, I was really just self educated and finding my own spiritual path – that is what I believe in, a personal spiritual journey. I studied many different major world religions, reading philosophy such as Conversations with God (an excellent book series), The Celestine ProphecyKahlil GibranThe Power of Now, Quantum Physics and Law of Attraction, Buddhism and Zen. I had even taken THE best religion and philosophy teacher in the United States while I was in college according to Rate My; he was rated #6 overall professor that year (all schools and subjects) and it was to this day was the best college course i have ever taken. Bill had mentioned to me that the best drug for someone who is addicted to self improvement and reads as much as I do; back then I had read 600-700 books mostly nonfiction, and constantly on the knowledge attainment/self improvement journey me was probably shrooms because it gives you epiphanies. A drug that you can just "pop a pill" and have an epiphany really appealed to me. And that is precisely how Bill described it to me, “you have an epiphany, it changes your life, you see God even sometimes...” This didn't just kind of appeal to me, this REALLY appealed to me and I wanted to try it. Except of course I never knew how to get ahold of shrooms. But I did have access to the internet and I'm reading everything I can and people are affirming that yes you have epiphanies, I'm reading about research studies showing that they are long lasting epiphanies where people made a profound change to their lifestyle and more than 50% of the group kept the same changes 4-10 years later. Your entire life just changes! BAM! Now talk about an exciting concept to someone who is just addicted to self improvement! I can have one epiphany after the next after the next and epiphanies are rare! Epiphanies are very rare occurrences! So one epiphany after the next after the next, man I'll be a superstar after just one year! Of course it would be at least 6-7 years later before I ever get my hands on some shrooms or LSD. But my interest was piqued and my mind was made up; I'm definitely trying this!

Once I discovered the black market which was Silk Road (now shut down), I was able to get ahold of LSD and Shrooms and try these things. It took me down a weird road, at first it was epiphanies exactly like I thought it would be, then it was stress relief - I was taking it recreationally, abusing it, because it was my escape from reality. At this time of my life nothing felt right except maybe my girlfriend at that time and so I used LSD to escape depression. I wasn't accomplishing anything – I was relying on an employer who was selling me short, and I was selling myself short in tolerating it. I felt like a slave to society, a slave to the system. I couldn't move up, despite being a hard worker and very talented, sure I got plenty of pats on the back and “promotions” even an “Excellence in Management” award and with it - more responsibilities without pay raises, just crap. I networked, talked to recruiters at Corporate, kept applying to other jobs and nothing seemed to be working. I also felt like i couldn't just uproot and move to another city for better job opportunities. I just felt tied down at that moment in life. My girlfriend just couldn't understand it, "why are you doing drugs?" and so we would fight about it as if I had some sort of addiction to something detrimental like alcohol. She was more okay with me drinking alcohol and getting drunk on a couple dates a week than me tripping once a week on my day off. She didn't realize that I was so unhappy with where I was in life - the stress of having so much talent yet not applying it right; crap pay, crap hours, crap life. She had some alien concept of “In Due Time” where everything just gets better if you keep doing what your doing and coast through life. She saw all the work I put in and eventually even she admitted to not understanding why the job market was so difficult for me - she got to ride the coattails of a great job with excellent pay that she got straight out of college. But her disapproval of “drugs” got me in the right frame of mind and played a role in me giving up LSD. I went about 7 months without a trip before I decided to try it again.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Mescaline for the first time

I took mescaline for the first time. Not my preferred drug as I like shrooms and LSD much better. I had to consume large copious amounts of mescaline and it tastes HORRIBLE!!! Mescaline doesn't feel like it has a good trade off, my stomach was agitated from VERY VERY large amounts of powdered cactus which actually expands with water making it twice the volume. Not to mention the bitter (though I oddly detected traces of mint like a crappy mouthwash). It closely resembled kratom in taste with a very faint minty aftertaste. Years of pre-workout supplements have desensitized me to most natural dirt tasting supplements, but this one really took the cake. After blending it with approx 2 lbs of applesauce I was able to take half of the serving I had. I forced it down over a 1 hr span. I couldn't do the other half. I didn't feel any urge to vomit despite the horrible taste (applesauce is magic) Below are thoughts as my day progresses.

You are deeply flawed, as am I. But The extent to which a man realizes he is damaged is a true mark of that man.
The cold is natures stress relief. Comes in cycles you build up and pent up stress as natures cycle does and release it with nature. The Whim Hoff method is so effective because it utilizes the cold to release stress. Stand outside, in the cold, embrace that you're going to be cold for the next hour or so. Now don't fight it, you will feel your body shudder, its a metabolic effect to warm itself up but also and the key point here - it releases stress. The rippling through your muscles is an involuntary effect of releasing stress. Become keenly aware of your muscles and which ones have tension. Acutely aware of where and when you shudder. Feel that shudder deep in your belly. Feel your joints loosen up. Your limbs and muscles become weightless as you release tension. All this in a very short span of time. And for free provided by nature, Once you embrace the fact that you're going to be uncomfortable for a bit. After 30 minutes I don't mind the cold, prefer it even. Despite being a person that normally hates the cold environment. I'm honing in on every shudder and scanning my body for tension to release. Calf muscles, kneecaps, hip joints, ankle joint. Literally in that order just now. I'm getting so relaxed I almost fell over. Now BREATHE!!


We forget to do this.

Give it a shot, commit at least 1 hour to this. Set your alarm so that you don't have to focus on the time. Stand on your porch, I like to walk the driveway. Put a relaxing soundtrack on and just breathe deep and focus on your tension and your body shuddering. Embrace the cold and the shudder, understand it. Think about nothing else make a complete commitment to getting rid of your stress for the next hour. After a 30 min to 1 hour commitment (full commitment) you will know this is true and commit even more time to it.

You can walk around but I notice I have the best results when I stand perfectly still. I realize "I'm shrugging my shoulders again without realizing it" and they relax. Then I focus on the rest of my body and the shudders come. Soon after, the deep shudders in my belly. I can tell I am still a complete novice but I feel like a mini whim Hoff in the making.
The closer you can allow yourself to relax your entire body - relax fully, the closer the affect is to a full body massage at a fraction of the cost - free.

I've got runaground chase you down playing and I am completely relaxed in a good way. Not stoned but as relaxed as I have been in a LONG time.
I am aware there are tradeoffs. The way these drugs work is activating your central nervous system, your body has to attack itself; It thinks its dying. Your brain knows it isn't and you just embraces the trip that's about to unfold, and so there is that disconnect of the mind being blown away and excited - from the body involuntary reactions to an invasion. Some people come to enjoy the body high itself (though there are many different kinds of body high).
I can't tell if I am relaxed from the mescaline itself or the cold dose of relaxation therapy I just put myself through. I feel like much better bang for buck with shrooms or lsd. This feels like the body high of a very small dose of shrooms. But I would go for shrooms over this as its too much consumption and I'm still sitting on half sitting in a blender bottle in the fridge with literally no room in my stomach and/or uncomfortable at the idea of forcing it down.
I embrace the body high and get when I can from it - usually to relax my muscles.

Coin by atlas is playing and I can't help but smile at the genius behind this song.
I've set off a chain reaction in motion. My body continues to shudder even though I am inside now. Still cold from being outside but refusing to warm myself up any further. I am acutely aware of all shuddering sensations in my body, encouraging them, prolonging them, re-triggering them if I can. A new cycle has kicked off of other muscles that weren't necessarily in play when I was outside. Could be the shifted position of reclining comfortable on the couch or just the next step in progression of stress relief.
My left hamstring and thigh are activated along w my hip bone. Easily triggered and shuddering. I close my eyes and mentally send all my stress to these locations sensing tension in my neck muscles and back muscles and tracing it all the way down to my hip and thigh. Like a giant garbage disposal on my body. Oddly enough the visual imagery behind closed eyes is pornographic in nature but not arousing. It would be arousing but I'm not aroused. An odd metaphor for stress being a product of sexual frustration?
This is probably my 10th replay of atlas by coin. Ill figure it out later just gonna keep doing what I'm doing.
I can tell redirecting my stress to roll off (shudder) my body is working because other previously untriggered or inactivated muscles suddenly become triggered for a half second shudder. All at the same time They're literally bridging the gap to allow stress to transfer through when the obvious traces I am mentally drawing aren't adequate. I feel the English language isn't competent to describe adequately what is occurring. It literally must be experienced to be believed.
My lifestyle reminders just set me off to the fact that its been 4 hours since 5am. I didn't even notice time fly by. Talk about losing sense of time distortion of time! Without that lifestyle reminder (completely unrelated) I wouldn't have realized how much time has elapsed.

I am now seeing double or triple references in the lyrics behind atlas...
Bend it by the fault ... Pompei set us up... I get it! Fault line for earthquakes! I go through the whole song again - holy shit this song is so well written its even more genius than I thought!... They were unfolding that same story well before w the mythical titan atlas as a central character in it.
My body is constricted in its movements and posture. Not by limits of my capable body but probably as a means to conserve energy. Its small and irrelevant but noticeable to me. I am less agile and limber, my body moving like a much older man. I immediately think of toxins just accumulating in the body and weighing people down. [details redacted for personal blog] email referencing accumulation of toxins in the body as age and NOT what we attribute it to be.  Being old and fragile is such an American thing.
Luckily I am forced to scroll through this note from the top all the way to the bottom. I see I have forgotten even hours later to BREATHE....      BREATHE.....    DEEP.....
its now 9:25
It is several hours earlier than I had planned for the gym but I am looking at my body and it looks smaller than I remember, feels more frail. I don't like what I see. So I want to go to the gym and make some mind-body connections. Today is A good gym day - squats.
I open my mail to find an expertly timed life insurance premium from work. Talk about asking me how much life insurance to buy for my family when I'm faced with my own mortality... Its just that time of the year but Damn it hit me hard - kuddos work you got to me. I'm holding off until tomorrow when I can see the issue with a skeptical mind.

Psychedelics Forces you to slow down.  I'm in such a rush through life Its crazy how many details slip by unnoticed. I shaved a few days ago because it got too bad, I couldn't ignore it. My my nails slipped through, they looked REALLY BAD, toenails even worse. Basic hygiene is falling through the cracks! How does that make me look to other people? My employer, potential employers, the opposite sex...
I've let my desk go to shit! And its been that way for months! Now I don't have a clean flat surface to take a picture on. Its crazy being under the influence slows you down enough to care. You need to care because every bit of detail and information is relevant to you right now.
That harmless conversation I had with my sister could completely be taken out of context.... She doesn't look angry but it dawned on me as she walked away... Most days I'm too busy with other important shit to do I wouldn't think of it any longer, today my mind has slowed down considerably... I can't imagine myself doing my most complex tasks so they go right out the window saved for another day, now I'm paying attention to the details and it astonished me how many details I miss on the daily grind of life. I thought I didn't have enough time before well holy shit I've been doing such a bad job at rushing through life! Lets try a different approach to things. I hate cleaning but I made a commitment no computer today. Just gonna DECLUTTER my life. Starting with my desk. But first I need energy. Gonna hit it hard at the gym!
Potential article : the anatomy of a psychedelic trip. Document the ingestion, come up, peak, comedown, etc. Crappy pictures (referring to real pictures instead of internet pictures)
10:35 I always forget this phase then remember it again so clearly. The "I just want it to be over!" phase. You're just tired of being high and want to be back to your full capabilities because you've got other important shit to do like brush your teeth and hitting the gym."
About 10:50 it kicks in. Really kicks in to the same high as an LSD trip after the comedown from the Peak. I started consuming preworkout powder to go to the gym may be the empty stomach is what kept me out of commission for so long. Thank god I didn't take caffeine I was about to. On LSD I can function very well and knock out my to do list. I don't have the "I just want it to be over phase" I have the "I'm tired of being high" phase which is a lot less agonizing and I go about my daily activities like normal.

Its 10:55 and its crazy about to grab stuff and leave for gym and I'm thinking "it took me long enough" of been thinking about hitting the gym at about 9 am - took 2 hrs. And crazy thing is on a normal day off it probably would've taken me this long to get to the gym any way. How much undocumented wasted time? I've been writing, listening to music, stretching, writhing in pain, going outside and "meditating" looking at life insurance and accepting wedding invitations, texting several people making plans and about a dozen other things and I've been writing a LOT! ***** Do word count...**** [Note: Approximately 2000 words]

By all accounts I have been extremely productive even while battling a psychedelic drug. Why am I not this productive when I am sober? Its obvious blatant wasted time... What am I wasting time on on a daily that I don't even notice? Master those 6 hours of my life. Everything down to a T. From 5 am to 11 when work starts, nothing unaccounted for.
***blog article: taking charge of just 6 hours of my day. Which is insurmountable, start at one hour and work my way up to 6 hours. How much time gets wasted?
Damn this shit is like speed! I'm literally seeing procrastination unfold in front of me and I resist it then decide I'm going to go to the gym RIGHT NOW and walk full circle around the house looking for keys then back to couch to find phone and realized all this happened in under a minute.... Normally the resistance (linchpin by seth godin reference) would've sucked a few minutes out of me I know this much for sure... It got what it wanted in the span of like 20 seconds....
I desperately fight the urge to write on my commute to the gym. My mind racing with thoughts and ideas... Maybe the gym will hold it at bay... For a few hours..

I park my car and my lip curls upwards in general demeanor of pleasantness. I mentally check it as suspicious and hold a serious expression as if a barely noticeable smile or pleasant demeanor is suspicious. I let it out and it holds a more permanent expression. I shouldn't hide happiness or a smile, its not suspicious and completely allowed. I aspire to keep this habit up into tomorrow. Let out the natural smile and don't apologize for it.

I wanted to take a nap before the gym because my body is tired and potentially my mind as well. I set my phone alarm for a 10 minute nap.
Closing our eyes is so much worse - we don't want to do it. Behind closed eyes is a world void of pysical space or time... no body, no sense of self, just weird psychedelic visuals. We trying to grasp and cling to some set of reality and so we realize we reflexively clench our teeth as if trying to grab hold of the reality in front of us in a way a dog navigates life with its jaws. And we realize it and relax it but continue to find ourselves reflexively coming back to this same tick, Grasping reality with our jaws clamping down on it. Extremely subtle and only noticeable with our eyes closed in a void with no real defined reality to grasp ahold of...

Jaws just clamping down on reality
I came out approx 4 mins later really relaxed had trouble going in because I couldn't focus but once I did let loose I was in another realm with my eyes closed. Surprised it lasted only 4 minutes. Gonna hit the gym.
11:27 gym time been sitting here about 10 mins in the Parking Lot
At the gym my physique took a different  demeanor and with a new light, from an different angle... There is that capable carnivore I know... not fragile or weak at all.
Nothing tells you you're in complete control more than being what most people would refer to as blazed out of their minds and kicking ass at the gym. It makes it immensely more satisfying. Reaffirming what I know to be true... That I will NEVER have a bad trip again... Under any circumstances. I have this shit completely under control. I even psyche myself up saying it over and over again knowing it has no affect on me. The core belief is too strong.... Bad trip bad trip bad trip ahhhhh lol

Separate article: Work Out for 10/11 "blazed out of my mind"
Its 12:10 in my phone now
Inhibitions lowered i saw so much of who I wanted to be as a person... "You're late" to that attractive girl I see at 6 am who oddly showed up at this hour... "That's hot!" and "I want to try it!" with genuine enthusiasm for that hot girl who works here and is doing a badass workout with another employee who works here - pulling a sled loaded up with 3- 45lb plates. When do y'all Work Out can I jump in on one of these? Neither were in their work clothes but if they claim its a Personal Training session ill say "I don't think I need it but sure ill send some business your way. How much can I contribute?"
I did it at 12:55 it was a ploy to get business
But works out as i felt immensely more satisfied with having taken action in my life. Its ironic where the double crutch (being under the influence) is a major deterrent to taking action and yet if you can beat that and take action anyway it is so much more immensely satisfying. Nobody knows you're under the influence but you and if you sell yourself short with insecurities and other bullshit out in public, so will other people. I can find so many examples where the double crutch applies to real life. Growing up with a disability my mom always said "you have to work twice as hard as everyone else, but you already know that. That's why you do so well." I've never been a stranger to self improvement and challenging oneself.

This wasn't her, but tell me that's not hot

The trainer was just as insecure or maybe more than I was when I approached.
I walk up and say, "How often do y'all do this?" directed at the both of them.
The male says, "I workout like this every day. What time works for you?"
Me: "I do mornings. I don't feel like I need Personal Training sessions but maybe we can get a group thing together?
Him: "Let me give you my card just shoot me a text."
I took his card and walked away.

This was extra income to him and he needed people like me to approach him and offer Personal Training sessions to them so he could have a livable wage. I could have been batshit gone wild high and he would have given me an easy out. The girl went straight up business completely focused on her workout and doing her set with perfect form staring off into empty space. She made no effort to engage the conversation. I knew almost immediately I had been played and it was okay. Might even be mutually beneficial to send the business his way. I can literally buy social proof and potentially future access to him and the girls he runs this ploy with at a very low entry cost. Damn you gotta love the trip for seeing the positive in everything!
1) actual assessment see muscle imbalances and proportionality. My lower back looks unproportional...
2) pitch in x amount of $ like $10 a person to join an already existing group workout
3) photo shoot/video sessions for other blog [name redacted] series. Build my brand without blatant attention whoring. He can hold the camera for me.
4) some combination of above. Drop about $150 for several prepaid and do what works for me
I already see the interactions the front desk girl in the future: "I didn't realize you were bait" "I'm okay with it and ill probably send him some business... I just didn't see it coming - I was legitimately asking about joining y'alls workout." "it was very well played" ..... And lead somehow into "so are you single or spoken for?"
Show some vulnerability- "I'm actually embarrassed because I did not see it coming"
.. Wait for her to confirm its ok that I fell for it...
Women like vulnerability in an obviously masculine man. Especially since they are the more insecure sex.
This long into a gym membership I see the revolving door of young hotties at the front so I have no qualms about actually putting myself out there. If anything I could have had a 10 year head start... but i'm too damn shy with women.

There is that weird bit of tension that builds up that your body doesn't want to let go of. And so it plays this weird body origami to keep holding into that tension rather than letting it just roll off... Maybe its that left trap/neck muscle that is one of the primary muscles activated when you drive predominantly with your left arm. You're not even aware of how much you use this muscle and so it won't let that stress roll off that easy. This one is dug in deep and riding out for the long haul.
I'm thinking about basic grooming - nails and toenails and potentially any manscaping. But I shouldn't be thinking of landscaping only under the influence I should be thinking about this regularly. I literally neglect a basic hygiene ritual.
The psychedelic explorers journey through self improvement
All the LSD notes I hide from the world... Down the line a "coming out of the closet" event where I combine all aspects of my life adding private blog to my public life and revealing that LSD is the BEST self improvement stimulant out there.
2:30 its uncanny how my mind is in tuned with whole clock numbers. That's when I check in to document time and more than once. That explains reversal times in the stock market.
I took a 10 min nap about 2ish now just kicking ass on cleaning, an earlier commitment I made today. 2:31
I reached out to my accountability partner and best friend [name redacted] to explain that now ill be starting 3 blogs instead of 1. Talk about being in over my head.... I know what he's gonna say, why I feel the need to take drugs on a regular basis. Once a month even is a habit and at the end of the day its inebriation, not facing reality and using the drugs as a crutch. The daily life and speed of my mind is too much I miss so much without them though. At the gym I spent about 1 hour stretching with the foam roller after my workout not realizing that I had neglected my thighs and made several months worth of progress in just 1 day. I definitely need to document this shit in video its unreal! This would've never happened sober, that's how I neglected it for so long in the first place. I'm cleaning - though my mind is still racing and documenting at the same time - but I haven't cleaned in months. I've ignored it, sloppy my life has been, and cleaning up after myself just fell through the cracks. Drugs amplify the cracks, they're giant fault lines you need to step over to get where you're going. A different perception the the daily routine of your life. And if you're self aware you can zero in on what's important and needs to be taken care of... Not later.... Right now.
I brush my teeth once a day. I never give it a 2nd thought. I keep feeling the urge to brush my teeth again. Not a mental awareness of "I should brush my teeth more than once a day" .... I feel the urge to brush them. My mouth feels like it needs help fighting off invaders.
Exhausted and wanting to fall asleep, took half caffeine pill at 4:27. Still haven't eaten and worried food would make me drowsy. Waiting for caffiene to kick in to eat.


Pictures for personal blog. I have a clutter problem. Physical scraps of paper. I need to back them up online and eliminate shit I don't need. Been putting it off for years. There are Probably dozens of blog posts, 1-3 books worth of notes, reading lists, to-dos that I've been putting off, forgotten about or are no longer important...