How I got into Psychedelics

When i was younger I had a friend (lets call him Bill), who used to smoke a lot of pot and always tried to get me to smoke with him. For years I rejected it, I think I first smoked marijuana at the age of 20; i still hadn't drunk at this time, and I didn't like marijuana because with the inebriation I felt like I didn't have full control of my body. I felt vulnerable, and when you feel vulnerable paranoia kicks in. Any negative thought takes you down the bad trip path rather than having a good trip. On top of that, when people buy marijuana off the street it is typically swag or an Indica based hybrid which makes you feel stoned and tired. For some people stoned is relaxing like tranquilizers or painkillers but I don't need painkillers, I just felt tired and demotivated, I wasn't full of energy, i hated the feeling. I was and still am a very physical, energetic person - constantly working out, constantly trying to improve myself. and so Bill would try to get me to smoke and I wouldn't be interested. But Bill was one of my best friends, a childhood friend and I would go with him as he tripped just to keep him company because he always wanted company. I would later find out as I get older that recreational drug users want people around to avoid bad trips because if you're alone by yourself with your thoughts, its much easier to get caught up and trapped into a bad trip than when your with someone who is happy and having fun and not having a bad trip. And in any drug or trip like situation, the best thing to do is have a sitter and many trip guides recommend this: having a sober sitter. So I didn't realize this at the time and I'm pretty sure that my friend didn't realize this either, that this was a key role to keeping him safe. But I guess Bill inadvertently through experience found out that he had much better trips with a friend and so I would accompany him while he would get stoned on pot or other drugs.

"Wanna try it?"

And somehow the discussion got into the topic of "the one drug I probably would be interested in..." because I was into spirituality and discovering myself, I was really just self educated and finding my own spiritual path – that is what I believe in, a personal spiritual journey. I studied many different major world religions, reading philosophy such as Conversations with God (an excellent book series), The Celestine Prophecy, Kahlil Gibran, The Power of Now, Quantum Physics and Law of Attraction, Buddhism and Zen. I had even taken THE best religion and philosophy teacher in the United States while I was in college according to Rate My Professors.com; he was rated #6 overall professor that year (all schools and subjects) and it was to this day was the best college course i have ever taken. Bill had mentioned to me that the best drug for someone who is addicted to self improvement and reads as much as I do; back then I had read 600-700 books mostly nonfiction, and constantly on the knowledge attainment/self improvement journey me was probably shrooms because it gives you epiphanies. A drug that you can just "pop a pill" and have an epiphany really appealed to me. And that is precisely how Bill described it to me, “you have an epiphany, it changes your life, you see God even sometimes...” This didn't just kind of appeal to me, this REALLY appealed to me and I wanted to try it. Except of course I never knew how to get ahold of shrooms. But I did have access to the internet and I'm reading everything I can and people are affirming that yes you have epiphanies, I'm reading about research studies showing that they are long lasting epiphanies where people made a profound change to their lifestyle and more than 50% of the group kept the same changes 4-10 years later. Your entire life just changes! BAM! Now talk about an exciting concept to someone who is just addicted to self improvement! I can have one epiphany after the next after the next and epiphanies are rare! Epiphanies are very rare occurrences! So one epiphany after the next after the next, man I'll be a superstar after just one year! Of course it would be at least 6-7 years later before I ever get my hands on some shrooms or LSD. But my interest was piqued and my mind was made up; I'm definitely trying this!

Once I discovered the black market which was Silk Road (now shut down), I was able to get ahold of LSD and Shrooms and try these things. It took me down a weird road, at first it was epiphanies exactly like I thought it would be, then it was stress relief - I was taking it recreationally, abusing it, because it was my escape from reality. At this time of my life nothing felt right except maybe my girlfriend at that time and so I used LSD to escape depression. I wasn't accomplishing anything – I was relying on an employer who was selling me short, and I was selling myself short in tolerating it. I felt like a slave to society, a slave to the system. I couldn't move up, despite being a hard worker and very talented, sure I got plenty of pats on the back and “promotions” even an “Excellence in Management” award and with it - more responsibilities without pay raises, just crap. I networked, talked to recruiters at Corporate, kept applying to other jobs and nothing seemed to be working. I also felt like i couldn't just uproot and move to another city for better job opportunities. I just felt tied down at that moment in life. My girlfriend just couldn't understand it, "why are you doing drugs?" and so we would fight about it as if I had some sort of addiction to something detrimental like alcohol. She was more okay with me drinking alcohol and getting drunk on a couple dates a week than me tripping once a week on my day off. She didn't realize that I was so unhappy with where I was in life - the stress of having so much talent yet not applying it right; crap pay, crap hours, crap life. She had some alien concept of “In Due Time” where everything just gets better if you keep doing what your doing and coast through life. She saw all the work I put in and eventually even she admitted to not understanding why the job market was so difficult for me - she got to ride the coattails of a great job with excellent pay that she got straight out of college. But her disapproval of “drugs” got me in the right frame of mind and played a role in me giving up LSD. I went about 7 months without a trip before I decided to try it again.

Mescaline for the first time

I took mescaline for the first time. Not my preferred drug as I like shrooms and LSD much better. I had to consume large copious amounts of mescaline and it tastes HORRIBLE!!! Mescaline doesn't feel like it has a good trade off, my stomach was agitated from VERY VERY large amounts of powdered cactus which actually expands with water making it twice the volume. Not to mention the bitter (though I oddly detected traces of mint like a crappy mouthwash). It closely resembled kratom in taste with a very faint minty aftertaste. Years of pre-workout supplements have desensitized me to most natural dirt tasting supplements, but this one really took the cake. After blending it with approx 2 lbs of applesauce I was able to take half of the serving I had. I forced it down over a 1 hr span. I couldn't do the other half. I didn't feel any urge to vomit despite the horrible taste (applesauce is magic) Below are thoughts as my day progresses.

You are deeply flawed, as am I. But The extent to which a man realizes he is damaged is a true mark of that man.
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The cold is natures stress relief. Comes in cycles you build up and pent up stress as natures cycle does and release it with nature. The Whim Hoff method is so effective because it utilizes the cold to release stress. Stand outside, in the cold, embrace that you're going to be cold for the next hour or so. Now don't fight it, you will feel your body shudder, its a metabolic effect to warm itself up but also and the key point here - it releases stress. The rippling through your muscles is an involuntary effect of releasing stress. Become keenly aware of your muscles and which ones have tension. Acutely aware of where and when you shudder. Feel that shudder deep in your belly. Feel your joints loosen up. Your limbs and muscles become weightless as you release tension. All this in a very short span of time. And for free provided by nature, Once you embrace the fact that you're going to be uncomfortable for a bit. After 30 minutes I don't mind the cold, prefer it even. Despite being a person that normally hates the cold environment. I'm honing in on every shudder and scanning my body for tension to release. Calf muscles, kneecaps, hip joints, ankle joint. Literally in that order just now. I'm getting so relaxed I almost fell over. Now BREATHE!!

DEEP!!

We forget to do this.

Give it a shot, commit at least 1 hour to this. Set your alarm so that you don't have to focus on the time. Stand on your porch, I like to walk the driveway. Put a relaxing soundtrack on and just breathe deep and focus on your tension and your body shuddering. Embrace the cold and the shudder, understand it. Think about nothing else make a complete commitment to getting rid of your stress for the next hour. After a 30 min to 1 hour commitment (full commitment) you will know this is true and commit even more time to it.

You can walk around but I notice I have the best results when I stand perfectly still. I realize "I'm shrugging my shoulders again without realizing it" and they relax. Then I focus on the rest of my body and the shudders come. Soon after, the deep shudders in my belly. I can tell I am still a complete novice but I feel like a mini whim Hoff in the making.
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The closer you can allow yourself to relax your entire body - relax fully, the closer the affect is to a full body massage at a fraction of the cost - free.

I've got runaground chase you down playing and I am completely relaxed in a good way. Not stoned but as relaxed as I have been in a LONG time.

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I am aware there are tradeoffs. The way these drugs work is activating your central nervous system, your body has to attack itself; It thinks its dying. Your brain knows it isn't and you just embraces the trip that's about to unfold, and so there is that disconnect of the mind being blown away and excited - from the body involuntary reactions to an invasion. Some people come to enjoy the body high itself (though there are many different kinds of body high).
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I can't tell if I am relaxed from the mescaline itself or the cold dose of relaxation therapy I just put myself through. I feel like much better bang for buck with shrooms or lsd. This feels like the body high of a very small dose of shrooms. But I would go for shrooms over this as its too much consumption and I'm still sitting on half sitting in a blender bottle in the fridge with literally no room in my stomach and/or uncomfortable at the idea of forcing it down.
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I embrace the body high and get when I can from it - usually to relax my muscles.

Coin by atlas is playing and I can't help but smile at the genius behind this song.
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I've set off a chain reaction in motion. My body continues to shudder even though I am inside now. Still cold from being outside but refusing to warm myself up any further. I am acutely aware of all shuddering sensations in my body, encouraging them, prolonging them, re-triggering them if I can. A new cycle has kicked off of other muscles that weren't necessarily in play when I was outside. Could be the shifted position of reclining comfortable on the couch or just the next step in progression of stress relief.
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My left hamstring and thigh are activated along w my hip bone. Easily triggered and shuddering. I close my eyes and mentally send all my stress to these locations sensing tension in my neck muscles and back muscles and tracing it all the way down to my hip and thigh. Like a giant garbage disposal on my body. Oddly enough the visual imagery behind closed eyes is pornographic in nature but not arousing. It would be arousing but I'm not aroused. An odd metaphor for stress being a product of sexual frustration?
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This is probably my 10th replay of atlas by coin. Ill figure it out later just gonna keep doing what I'm doing.
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I can tell redirecting my stress to roll off (shudder) my body is working because other previously untriggered or inactivated muscles suddenly become triggered for a half second shudder. All at the same time They're literally bridging the gap to allow stress to transfer through when the obvious traces I am mentally drawing aren't adequate. I feel the English language isn't competent to describe adequately what is occurring. It literally must be experienced to be believed.
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My lifestyle reminders just set me off to the fact that its been 4 hours since 5am. I didn't even notice time fly by. Talk about losing sense of time distortion of time! Without that lifestyle reminder (completely unrelated) I wouldn't have realized how much time has elapsed.

I am now seeing double or triple references in the lyrics behind atlas...
Bend it by the fault ... Pompei set us up... I get it! Fault line for earthquakes! I go through the whole song again - holy shit this song is so well written its even more genius than I thought!... They were unfolding that same story well before w the mythical titan atlas as a central character in it.
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My body is constricted in its movements and posture. Not by limits of my capable body but probably as a means to conserve energy. Its small and irrelevant but noticeable to me. I am less agile and limber, my body moving like a much older man. I immediately think of toxins just accumulating in the body and weighing people down. [details redacted for personal blog] email referencing accumulation of toxins in the body as age and NOT what we attribute it to be.  Being old and fragile is such an American thing.
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Luckily I am forced to scroll through this note from the top all the way to the bottom. I see I have forgotten even hours later to BREATHE....      BREATHE.....    DEEP.....
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its now 9:25
It is several hours earlier than I had planned for the gym but I am looking at my body and it looks smaller than I remember, feels more frail. I don't like what I see. So I want to go to the gym and make some mind-body connections. Today is A good gym day - squats.
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I open my mail to find an expertly timed life insurance premium from work. Talk about asking me how much life insurance to buy for my family when I'm faced with my own mortality... Its just that time of the year but Damn it hit me hard - kuddos work you got to me. I'm holding off until tomorrow when I can see the issue with a skeptical mind.

Psychedelics Forces you to slow down.  I'm in such a rush through life Its crazy how many details slip by unnoticed. I shaved a few days ago because it got too bad, I couldn't ignore it. My my nails slipped through, they looked REALLY BAD, toenails even worse. Basic hygiene is falling through the cracks! How does that make me look to other people? My employer, potential employers, the opposite sex...
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I've let my desk go to shit! And its been that way for months! Now I don't have a clean flat surface to take a picture on. Its crazy being under the influence slows you down enough to care. You need to care because every bit of detail and information is relevant to you right now.
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That harmless conversation I had with my sister could completely be taken out of context.... She doesn't look angry but it dawned on me as she walked away... Most days I'm too busy with other important shit to do I wouldn't think of it any longer, today my mind has slowed down considerably... I can't imagine myself doing my most complex tasks so they go right out the window saved for another day, now I'm paying attention to the details and it astonished me how many details I miss on the daily grind of life. I thought I didn't have enough time before well holy shit I've been doing such a bad job at rushing through life! Lets try a different approach to things. I hate cleaning but I made a commitment no computer today. Just gonna DECLUTTER my life. Starting with my desk. But first I need energy. Gonna hit it hard at the gym!
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Potential article : the anatomy of a psychedelic trip. Document the ingestion, come up, peak, comedown, etc. Crappy pictures (referring to real pictures instead of internet pictures)
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10:35 I always forget this phase then remember it again so clearly. The "I just want it to be over!" phase. You're just tired of being high and want to be back to your full capabilities because you've got other important shit to do like brush your teeth and hitting the gym."
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About 10:50 it kicks in. Really kicks in to the same high as an LSD trip after the comedown from the Peak. I started consuming preworkout powder to go to the gym may be the empty stomach is what kept me out of commission for so long. Thank god I didn't take caffeine I was about to. On LSD I can function very well and knock out my to do list. I don't have the "I just want it to be over phase" I have the "I'm tired of being high" phase which is a lot less agonizing and I go about my daily activities like normal.

Its 10:55 and its crazy about to grab stuff and leave for gym and I'm thinking "it took me long enough" of been thinking about hitting the gym at about 9 am - took 2 hrs. And crazy thing is on a normal day off it probably would've taken me this long to get to the gym any way. How much undocumented wasted time? I've been writing, listening to music, stretching, writhing in pain, going outside and "meditating" looking at life insurance and accepting wedding invitations, texting several people making plans and about a dozen other things and I've been writing a LOT! ***** Do word count...**** [Note: Approximately 2000 words]

By all accounts I have been extremely productive even while battling a psychedelic drug. Why am I not this productive when I am sober? Its obvious blatant wasted time... What am I wasting time on on a daily that I don't even notice? Master those 6 hours of my life. Everything down to a T. From 5 am to 11 when work starts, nothing unaccounted for.
***blog article: taking charge of just 6 hours of my day. Which is insurmountable, start at one hour and work my way up to 6 hours. How much time gets wasted?
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Damn this shit is like speed! I'm literally seeing procrastination unfold in front of me and I resist it then decide I'm going to go to the gym RIGHT NOW and walk full circle around the house looking for keys then back to couch to find phone and realized all this happened in under a minute.... Normally the resistance (linchpin by seth godin reference) would've sucked a few minutes out of me I know this much for sure... It got what it wanted in the span of like 20 seconds....
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I desperately fight the urge to write on my commute to the gym. My mind racing with thoughts and ideas... Maybe the gym will hold it at bay... For a few hours..

I park my car and my lip curls upwards in general demeanor of pleasantness. I mentally check it as suspicious and hold a serious expression as if a barely noticeable smile or pleasant demeanor is suspicious. I let it out and it holds a more permanent expression. I shouldn't hide happiness or a smile, its not suspicious and completely allowed. I aspire to keep this habit up into tomorrow. Let out the natural smile and don't apologize for it.

I wanted to take a nap before the gym because my body is tired and potentially my mind as well. I set my phone alarm for a 10 minute nap.
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Closing our eyes is so much worse - we don't want to do it. Behind closed eyes is a world void of pysical space or time... no body, no sense of self, just weird psychedelic visuals. We trying to grasp and cling to some set of reality and so we realize we reflexively clench our teeth as if trying to grab hold of the reality in front of us in a way a dog navigates life with its jaws. And we realize it and relax it but continue to find ourselves reflexively coming back to this same tick, Grasping reality with our jaws clamping down on it. Extremely subtle and only noticeable with our eyes closed in a void with no real defined reality to grasp ahold of...

Jaws just clamping down on reality

I came out approx 4 mins later really relaxed had trouble going in because I couldn't focus but once I did let loose I was in another realm with my eyes closed. Surprised it lasted only 4 minutes. Gonna hit the gym.
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11:27 gym time been sitting here about 10 mins in the Parking Lot
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At the gym my physique took a different  demeanor and with a new light, from an different angle... There is that capable carnivore I know... not fragile or weak at all.
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Nothing tells you you're in complete control more than being what most people would refer to as blazed out of their minds and kicking ass at the gym. It makes it immensely more satisfying. Reaffirming what I know to be true... That I will NEVER have a bad trip again... Under any circumstances. I have this shit completely under control. I even psyche myself up saying it over and over again knowing it has no affect on me. The core belief is too strong.... Bad trip bad trip bad trip ahhhhh lol

Separate article: Work Out for 10/11 "blazed out of my mind"
Its 12:10 in my phone now
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Inhibitions lowered i saw so much of who I wanted to be as a person... "You're late" to that attractive girl I see at 6 am who oddly showed up at this hour... "That's hot!" and "I want to try it!" with genuine enthusiasm for that hot girl who works here and is doing a badass workout with another employee who works here - pulling a sled loaded up with 3- 45lb plates. When do y'all Work Out can I jump in on one of these? Neither were in their work clothes but if they claim its a Personal Training session ill say "I don't think I need it but sure ill send some business your way. How much can I contribute?"
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I did it at 12:55 it was a ploy to get business
But works out as i felt immensely more satisfied with having taken action in my life. Its ironic where the double crutch (being under the influence) is a major deterrent to taking action and yet if you can beat that and take action anyway it is so much more immensely satisfying. Nobody knows you're under the influence but you and if you sell yourself short with insecurities and other bullshit out in public, so will other people. I can find so many examples where the double crutch applies to real life. Growing up with a disability my mom always said "you have to work twice as hard as everyone else, but you already know that. That's why you do so well." I've never been a stranger to self improvement and challenging oneself.

This wasn't her, but tell me that's not hot

The trainer was just as insecure or maybe more than I was when I approached.
I walk up and say, "How often do y'all do this?" directed at the both of them.
The male says, "I workout like this every day. What time works for you?"
Me: "I do mornings. I don't feel like I need Personal Training sessions but maybe we can get a group thing together?
Him: "Let me give you my card just shoot me a text."
I took his card and walked away.

This was extra income to him and he needed people like me to approach him and offer Personal Training sessions to them so he could have a livable wage. I could have been batshit gone wild high and he would have given me an easy out. The girl went straight up business completely focused on her workout and doing her set with perfect form staring off into empty space. She made no effort to engage the conversation. I knew almost immediately I had been played and it was okay. Might even be mutually beneficial to send the business his way. I can literally buy social proof and potentially future access to him and the girls he runs this ploy with at a very low entry cost. Damn you gotta love the trip for seeing the positive in everything!
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Angles:
1) actual assessment see muscle imbalances and proportionality. My lower back looks unproportional...
2) pitch in x amount of $ like $10 a person to join an already existing group workout
3) photo shoot/video sessions for other blog [name redacted] series. Build my brand without blatant attention whoring. He can hold the camera for me.
4) some combination of above. Drop about $150 for several prepaid and do what works for me

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I already see the interactions the front desk girl in the future: "I didn't realize you were bait" "I'm okay with it and ill probably send him some business... I just didn't see it coming - I was legitimately asking about joining y'alls workout." "it was very well played" ..... And lead somehow into "so are you single or spoken for?"
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Show some vulnerability- "I'm actually embarrassed because I did not see it coming"
.. Wait for her to confirm its ok that I fell for it...
Women like vulnerability in an obviously masculine man. Especially since they are the more insecure sex.
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This long into a gym membership I see the revolving door of young hotties at the front so I have no qualms about actually putting myself out there. If anything I could have had a 10 year head start... but i'm too damn shy with women.

There is that weird bit of tension that builds up that your body doesn't want to let go of. And so it plays this weird body origami to keep holding into that tension rather than letting it just roll off... Maybe its that left trap/neck muscle that is one of the primary muscles activated when you drive predominantly with your left arm. You're not even aware of how much you use this muscle and so it won't let that stress roll off that easy. This one is dug in deep and riding out for the long haul.
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I'm thinking about basic grooming - nails and toenails and potentially any manscaping. But I shouldn't be thinking of landscaping only under the influence I should be thinking about this regularly. I literally neglect a basic hygiene ritual.
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NathandoesL
The psychedelic explorers journey through self improvement
All the LSD notes I hide from the world... Down the line a "coming out of the closet" event where I combine all aspects of my life adding private blog to my public life and revealing that LSD is the BEST self improvement stimulant out there.
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2:30 its uncanny how my mind is in tuned with whole clock numbers. That's when I check in to document time and more than once. That explains reversal times in the stock market.
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I took a 10 min nap about 2ish now just kicking ass on cleaning, an earlier commitment I made today. 2:31
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I reached out to my accountability partner and best friend [name redacted] to explain that now ill be starting 3 blogs instead of 1. Talk about being in over my head.... I know what he's gonna say, why I feel the need to take drugs on a regular basis. Once a month even is a habit and at the end of the day its inebriation, not facing reality and using the drugs as a crutch. The daily life and speed of my mind is too much I miss so much without them though. At the gym I spent about 1 hour stretching with the foam roller after my workout not realizing that I had neglected my thighs and made several months worth of progress in just 1 day. I definitely need to document this shit in video its unreal! This would've never happened sober, that's how I neglected it for so long in the first place. I'm cleaning - though my mind is still racing and documenting at the same time - but I haven't cleaned in months. I've ignored it, sloppy my life has been, and cleaning up after myself just fell through the cracks. Drugs amplify the cracks, they're giant fault lines you need to step over to get where you're going. A different perception the the daily routine of your life. And if you're self aware you can zero in on what's important and needs to be taken care of... Not later.... Right now.
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I brush my teeth once a day. I never give it a 2nd thought. I keep feeling the urge to brush my teeth again. Not a mental awareness of "I should brush my teeth more than once a day" .... I feel the urge to brush them. My mouth feels like it needs help fighting off invaders.
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Exhausted and wanting to fall asleep, took half caffeine pill at 4:27. Still haven't eaten and worried food would make me drowsy. Waiting for caffiene to kick in to eat.

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Pictures for personal blog. I have a clutter problem. Physical scraps of paper. I need to back them up online and eliminate shit I don't need. Been putting it off for years. There are Probably dozens of blog posts, 1-3 books worth of notes, reading lists, to-dos that I've been putting off, forgotten about or are no longer important...

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